by Haven Tso
In 2000 I forgot what made me happy. I only knew that I was not and there was a void to be filled inside me. No amount of shopping, travelling and spending time with friends could fill this void. I attempted a relationship but that wasn’t it either. I only knew that I needed a change. So change I did make – across the oceans over 7.5 hrs of flight to a foreign land where I had only been there twice, as a tourist.
This change was drastic as I threw everything I established away to start all over again. However, the sense of uncertainty excited me. I was looking again, finally actively looking for a life that I knew it was missing.
I was staying in the college when I first arrived, coincidentally located opposite the National Institute of Dramatic Art (NIDA). After one semester of study in information management, I was bored to death and needed new stimuli. I saw a brochure lying around about NIDA short courses. Flipping through it and saw “Performing Shakespeare”. I thought, “Hm, it would be cool to know how Cate Blanchett learnt how to play Shakespeare”. I enrolled and had the best 4 weeks ever in Sydney. The course reminded me of my passion – theatre and films – not as an audience but as part of them. Once Pandora’s Box was opened there was no going back, and then as clichéd as it is, the rest is history.
It’s been some time since that passion was re-ignited. But I continued to remind myself what I love about this art form. Acting to some people is just “acting”. But for me it is about the creativity that leads to that ultimate engagement with people you don’t know and change lives in a metaphorical and artistic manner. I remember when I was little I liked to look into the mirror and re-enact the still shots of actors at the end of each TV episode (that’s how Hong Kong TV does it) I always tried to understand what lead to “that look”. These were the defining moments for me as a budding actor and these moments stay inside me to help me through tough times in this business.
Acting is hard. By this I don’t mean the art itself but the survival in the industry. There are always more actors than available jobs. Further, art is subjective. You might think you did a great job but then as great a job done as it is, it might not translate into work – or even cash. It is during my drought periods that I need to remind myself why am I in this business, and what am I in this business for. I remember the defining moments that gave me the yearning to do this line of work and the satisfaction I got out of being part of a creative process. Then whether getting a job or a call became less important and it gives me more stamina to persist. Also, then I have better clarity of what I need to do if I want to make it happen. But do bear in mind that we can always try but things do not necessarily materialise because as I said art is subjective. However I do believe if I don’t try, and persist, it will never happen.
I know I am pretty lucky as I have a profession to fall back on to pay my bills, but I also understand how extended periods of drought can affect one’s self-confidence as an actor. I still go through those periods. However, I also believe that if we spend time self-doubting because of the objective environment, we can never become the person we want to be. For me to let go and remember my own defining moments are the best ways to stay in the game.
What about you? Do you have your defining moments that help you stay in the game?
Haven Tso is an actor, writer, graphic designer and blogger.
