by Paul Barry
“Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue. Honesty is hardly ever heard, and mostly what I need from you”
I grew up as a massive fan of Billy Joel. His music and lyrics touched me and provoked me in ways that few other musicians could during that period of my development. For every person it’s a different musician or artist or poet or author that has this effect on him or her. In almost every respect though, this total honesty is something we experience in isolation from others. When it comes to social interaction though, our honest self-reflection most often gives way to defensiveness and self-protection.
“I don’t want some pretty face to tell me pretty lies. All I want is someone to believe…”
The thing about honesty though is that it is often as difficult to draw out of ourselves as it is from others. It almost always promotes one of two reactions:
- Transform, by hearing and pushing through the discomfort, or
- Run away from confrontation, thus avoiding any growth or change at all
When we are confronted with hard truths the initial response is almost always to protect ourselves. We protect by running away, fighting back, going limp (playing possum, as they say), or using misdirection or blame as diversions. All of these are natural responses but none of them lead us towards lasting and meaningful change in our personal development.
Why is this even important, you may ask?
If you look at the last three to five years of your life, financially, emotionally, at work and in relationships, you will see how far you have come – or how little you have developed over that period. If you refuse or neglect to make any deliberate changes in your life you can expect to see exactly the same rate of growth – or stagnation – in your skills over the next three to five years. Financially you can win the lottery but once the money’s gone you will return to your former rate of growth/stagnation. The same is true with relationships, work, and certainly your acting.
On the other hand, by making a conscious and deliberate decision to alter your trajectory, you will make a lasting change in your skill acquisition and retention rate, thus improving every day of your life from that point on.
OK, so how is it done, you then ask?
Easy: by identifying your habits and employing counter-intuition to overcome them.
You regularly overspend? Create a budget, make sacrifices and do not compromise on your new financial plan. You keep falling into destructive relationships? Then make a list of what you do and don’t want in a relationship, along with the things you’re willing to compromise on for the right person, then stick to the plan. Your boss is constantly overworking you and underpaying you? Look for a new job or set parameters with your boss and have the courage to lose the job altogether if it doesn’t fit your plan. Most people I know who have been honest enough with themselves to take the bull by the horns in this respect have had their boss accept their terms, or at least negotiate. They may say yes, they may say no; it’s impossible to predict. One thing is certain though: without a conscious and deliberate decision to change, you know exactly what to expect.
Whether you are inviting honesty from others or attempting to be honest with yourself, adopt the mantra that ‘Nothing changes if nothing changes’. Then ask yourself: ‘If not now, when?’
It’s up to you to set your terms in life and acting, then stick to them. Otherwise, get ready for the next three to five years of exactly what you’ve just been through.
Paul Barry is an actor, director, writer, teacher and blogger. He co-owns Acting 4 Camera and Showreels Australia. He lives in LA, but regularly teaches via Skype, all around the world.
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